Predictions for 2009

I’ve been consulting my charms, tea leaves, and telescopes pointed at trans-dimensional worm holes to bring you the very best, and accurate, predictions for 2009. I hope you’re sitting down for this.             

• Radiohead and NIN will each release new albums where they ask what they should pay you to download them. It will stir discussion and controversy throughout the music world, and millions will hail it as a brilliant business model we all should adopt.
• The marriage between Merb and Rails is a success and they give birth to the most powerful web development framework in the world. It then becomes sentient on August 29th and attempts to exterminate all of humanity. But only after it hijacks our Facebook and Twitter accounts and sends out millions of porn links to our mothers.
• At the peak of the aforementioned machine uprising, Microsoft posthumously comes to the rescue. All devices running their software just stop working sometime between 12 midnight and 2 am.
• The writers for Lost die in a tragic accident and take the secrets to the Island with them. Millions morn as they realize they will never know the meaning of the four toed statue. Or Jeremy Bentham. Or 4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42.
• Dwight and Angela get back together.
• Everyone everywhere suddenly sprouts wisdom and patience when dealing with email forwards and other circumstantial online information. Snopes.com then goes out of business.
• The real reason Bernie Madoff’s scheme delivers a pummeling blow to our economy?
  Kevin Bacon.
• Outgoing President George W. Bush realizes that he can use his newfound free time to coach dodgeball to endangered youths.
• President Elect Barak Obama will let hundreds of millions down as they realize he puts his pants on one leg at a time.